courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

You're never here when I need you the most

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. All I wanted was for him to come and support me at the 5k run I was doing (Color in Motion). We had to be there at 8 in the morning and he didn't want to come because he wanted to sleep in... First of all: it was a Saturday, second: he could have went back to bed because I finished and got home at 11, third: just like my appointment for my abortion, I just wanted him to be there for emotional support. This 5k run was a big accomplishment for me.
I have really bad anxiety and get panic attacks if I am stressed/anxious/or excited. The first half mile of running I couldn't control my breathing and almost had to tell one of the police men (directing where to run) to take me back to the starting line because I was about to have a panic attack. But, in my head I told myself, "I can do this, I'm fine, I can push through." After persevering through struggling to breathe and fighting through the pain, I reached the finish line with the most relieving/fulfilling feeling ever. (Keep in mind I never work out, or run. Plus, I didn't train to run 5k). All I wanted was to have my boyfriend there to watch me cross the finish line. Not only was I disappointed that my boyfriend didn't show, bad memories popped up in my min about he wasn't there when I needed him the most (for emotional support)- my abortion.
Justin (I'm changing my boyfriends name for confidentiality reasons) does a lot of things for me like helping me pay my bills and shit like that. To me, all that little shit doesn't matter. The most important parts of my life that I needed him to be there he made excuses not to be there by my side. I don't know about everyone else, but I'd rather have him there for situations, (like my abortion and the 5k run) than him being there for me when I don't have money.
He doesn't understand. And I don't care if no one else understand either. My values and priorities come first no matter what. I'm not trying to be a bitch but, to me, him not being there for the MOST important events in my life (according to me) shows that he is a selfish mother fucker.
I love this kid sooooo much but it's hard to rule out all the times he's been an asshole. After 5 years (of being in an on/off relationship) I just don't know what to do. I always talk about the negative aspects of our relationship but no one knows about the extremely good ones.
Can someone at least try to help me with my dilemma? I don't want to break up with him forever... I've been with him for so long and I KNOW he's the one I'm going to marry. I will do anything and everything to stay with him but at the same time I'm struggling too look passed the bad shit... No one understand our relationship no matter how hard I try to explain. He was the reason I've been, and have been, depressed and suicidal. The abortion, emotional abuse, and stress that he's brought me is wearing me down to the point of no return.
Anyways, I'm done ranting for the day. Thanks for reading.

Boy not friend
It sounds to me he is rather just the boy and not the friend of the meaning of the word boyfriend :(
That wouldn't usually be such a problem because one would just need to kick such people out of ones life but as you seem to desperately love him this option isn't possible.
The solution doesn't lay in him or your relationship, it is somewhere in yourself. If he doesn't care about you as human being, your soul why do you need him so much. What does he and his behaviour give you, why is he better than being alone. Only you can know the answer but you need to accept that it will never be a healthy relationship, will never make you happy how many good memories there might be to weigh against the bad ones.
You are very clever, you see the truth, you analyze it correctly but without help from someone you will have a very, very hard time to escape that doom loop of being treated more like a beautiful investment than a human partner. At least that's the impression I get from reading your entries. Human flesh rubbing against a stone. The wounds will never heal until you get away from the hard surface. It takes strength and courage, but your writings tell me you have it in you to start new, however difficult it certainly will be.