courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

A little circle. A little life. A little me.

You never know how much you love someone until you choose to lose them... I never used to be the person to be "pro-choice" until the "choice" was the only option. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the baby that I aborted... It's been almost a year since I decided to take a life that I created.

  I was 19- part time job, no financial support, too immature.
Our plan was too keep the baby. At first, I was really skeptical on how we would pull this off, but, he convinced me that everything would work out...I was only 4 weeks pregnant. We were already preparing- buying diapers, figuring out how much everything would cost, and looking for houses to raise our family. He would kiss my belly every single night, telling our unborn baby that he loved it and that he couldn't wait to see it. We both were extremely excited. My parents were going to be supportive on what ever choice we made- whether we wanted to keep it, or not. Being good parents, they tried to give us as much information as they could- telling us what the pros and cons of having a baby at 19. After a lot of consideration, I told him that I wanted an abortion... SHIT HIT THE FAN. He threatened me with our relationship saying, "If you abort our baby I will never talk to you again! I will never get an abortion!" By then, I was too afraid, emotional, and naive to lose the love of my life because of the choice that I made that would benefit everyone... Two days later, after he manipulated me into decisions, he flat out told me, "I think we should get an abortion..." I have never felt so hurt or deceived in my life. I just couldn't understand. We were both so happy to have this baby and he put me through all this bullshit and then tells me that he doesn't want the baby that he would NEVER abort?!  What the fuck.
  Trying to hold back my tears, I call my mom to tell her what HE'S decided... "Mom, we've decided to get an abortion..."
"Are you sure about this because you wanted to keep it just the other day??"
"Yea... I'm sure..."
"Ok, we need to make an appointment then on Monday. I just want to let you know that this is the best decision for you guys. You would have ended up a single mom if you actually kept this baby- your guys' relationship isn't very good to begin with and you would have ended up leaving him because he wouldn't have been there for you."
(Choking back tears) "I know mom... I'll call you later..."
The one conversation I will never forget.
August 16th, 5 days after my 20th birthday, the anniversary of my grandpa's death, I aborted my little baby. My boyfriend wasn't even there for emotional support because he "didn't want to miss a day of work"... Fucking bullshit. Even though my mom was there to take me to my appointment, I was completely alone. The worst thing was that I regrettably looked at the ultrasound screen as the woman was checking how far along I was. A little circle. A little life. A little me. It wasn't much to look at but I still loved it more than life itself. I chose to abort.
  I have dreams about him... Yes, it's a boy. His name is Eli. I have dreams about him almost every night. He is the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. Even though I couldn't meet him in person, I'm glad that I can at least catch a glimpse of him in a foggy reality-dreams. I truly believe that it's him visiting me while I sleep to reassure me that he is the angel that is watching over me. Hopefully he understands that our decision was the best one. I just wanted to raise a baby in the perfect conditions- not one where he would grow up in a broken home. I'm sorry little one- I'll get to meet you some day, Mommy loves you.