courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

Withering away

I feel like I'm withering away as I get older every day- waiting for the day that I get sick of this life. An easy escape. The gateway straight to hell. Suicide.
I'm already burning in the flames of my own mistakes. Every day I live free but I'm chained to my past and regrets that I've been suppressing for years. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not smart enough, not experienced enough, not pretty enough, not am I mentally capable enough to live in this real life version of hell.
I'm beautiful in the outside but I feel ugly on the inside, but I'm the only person that can see my true self. When I look in the mirror I can't see anything but a failure. Nothing but but a piece if shit stuck on the bottom of someone's shoe. I don't love myself enough to actually accept myself for the stupid, selfish, lazy woman I've become. But, I'm still existing on this earth trying to make the best of each shitty fucking day. That's all that matters- I try.

courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

You're never here when I need you the most

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. All I wanted was for him to come and support me at the 5k run I was doing (Color in Motion). We had to be there at 8 in the morning and he didn't want to come because he wanted to sleep in... First of all: it was a Saturday, second: he could have went back to bed because I finished and got home at 11, third: just like my appointment for my abortion, I just wanted him to be there for emotional support. This 5k run was a big accomplishment for me.
I have really bad anxiety and get panic attacks if I am stressed/anxious/or excited. The first half mile of running I couldn't control my breathing and almost had to tell one of the police men (directing where to run) to take me back to the starting line because I was about to have a panic attack. But, in my head I told myself, "I can do this, I'm fine, I can push through." After persevering through struggling to breathe and fighting through the pain, I reached the finish line with the most relieving/fulfilling feeling ever. (Keep in mind I never work out, or run. Plus, I didn't train to run 5k). All I wanted was to have my boyfriend there to watch me cross the finish line. Not only was I disappointed that my boyfriend didn't show, bad memories popped up in my min about he wasn't there when I needed him the most (for emotional support)- my abortion.
Justin (I'm changing my boyfriends name for confidentiality reasons) does a lot of things for me like helping me pay my bills and shit like that. To me, all that little shit doesn't matter. The most important parts of my life that I needed him to be there he made excuses not to be there by my side. I don't know about everyone else, but I'd rather have him there for situations, (like my abortion and the 5k run) than him being there for me when I don't have money.
He doesn't understand. And I don't care if no one else understand either. My values and priorities come first no matter what. I'm not trying to be a bitch but, to me, him not being there for the MOST important events in my life (according to me) shows that he is a selfish mother fucker.
I love this kid sooooo much but it's hard to rule out all the times he's been an asshole. After 5 years (of being in an on/off relationship) I just don't know what to do. I always talk about the negative aspects of our relationship but no one knows about the extremely good ones.
Can someone at least try to help me with my dilemma? I don't want to break up with him forever... I've been with him for so long and I KNOW he's the one I'm going to marry. I will do anything and everything to stay with him but at the same time I'm struggling too look passed the bad shit... No one understand our relationship no matter how hard I try to explain. He was the reason I've been, and have been, depressed and suicidal. The abortion, emotional abuse, and stress that he's brought me is wearing me down to the point of no return.
Anyways, I'm done ranting for the day. Thanks for reading.

courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

A little circle. A little life. A little me.

You never know how much you love someone until you choose to lose them... I never used to be the person to be "pro-choice" until the "choice" was the only option. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the baby that I aborted... It's been almost a year since I decided to take a life that I created.

  I was 19- part time job, no financial support, too immature.
Our plan was too keep the baby. At first, I was really skeptical on how we would pull this off, but, he convinced me that everything would work out...I was only 4 weeks pregnant. We were already preparing- buying diapers, figuring out how much everything would cost, and looking for houses to raise our family. He would kiss my belly every single night, telling our unborn baby that he loved it and that he couldn't wait to see it. We both were extremely excited. My parents were going to be supportive on what ever choice we made- whether we wanted to keep it, or not. Being good parents, they tried to give us as much information as they could- telling us what the pros and cons of having a baby at 19. After a lot of consideration, I told him that I wanted an abortion... SHIT HIT THE FAN. He threatened me with our relationship saying, "If you abort our baby I will never talk to you again! I will never get an abortion!" By then, I was too afraid, emotional, and naive to lose the love of my life because of the choice that I made that would benefit everyone... Two days later, after he manipulated me into decisions, he flat out told me, "I think we should get an abortion..." I have never felt so hurt or deceived in my life. I just couldn't understand. We were both so happy to have this baby and he put me through all this bullshit and then tells me that he doesn't want the baby that he would NEVER abort?!  What the fuck.
  Trying to hold back my tears, I call my mom to tell her what HE'S decided... "Mom, we've decided to get an abortion..."
"Are you sure about this because you wanted to keep it just the other day??"
"Yea... I'm sure..."
"Ok, we need to make an appointment then on Monday. I just want to let you know that this is the best decision for you guys. You would have ended up a single mom if you actually kept this baby- your guys' relationship isn't very good to begin with and you would have ended up leaving him because he wouldn't have been there for you."
(Choking back tears) "I know mom... I'll call you later..."
The one conversation I will never forget.
August 16th, 5 days after my 20th birthday, the anniversary of my grandpa's death, I aborted my little baby. My boyfriend wasn't even there for emotional support because he "didn't want to miss a day of work"... Fucking bullshit. Even though my mom was there to take me to my appointment, I was completely alone. The worst thing was that I regrettably looked at the ultrasound screen as the woman was checking how far along I was. A little circle. A little life. A little me. It wasn't much to look at but I still loved it more than life itself. I chose to abort.
  I have dreams about him... Yes, it's a boy. His name is Eli. I have dreams about him almost every night. He is the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. Even though I couldn't meet him in person, I'm glad that I can at least catch a glimpse of him in a foggy reality-dreams. I truly believe that it's him visiting me while I sleep to reassure me that he is the angel that is watching over me. Hopefully he understands that our decision was the best one. I just wanted to raise a baby in the perfect conditions- not one where he would grow up in a broken home. I'm sorry little one- I'll get to meet you some day, Mommy loves you.
courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

THE FIRST ROLL. The drug that made me love life

Im not turning to drugs to solve my problems but this entry is what i wrote on my first roll.

The euphoric feeling drips out of my soul, tricking down my face. The bass penetrates my mind, flickering images of happiness. Rolls of thunder come over my body. Shear joy. Perfect moment. I can't stop my emotions running wild in my field of life. I breathe in every second of the ticking time. Orgasms fill my ears. Worries and regret- not present. Paralyzed in my body, enjoying my own personal mind fuck.
Words slip from my lips- tickling my taste buds that flow with rhythm and seductive peace. Blood pumping through my veins, fuming with reality. Tingles overwhelming my state of mind, pusling thoughts of dreams. My stomach is churning with feelings. Raped by my own mind. The sensation of fingertips softly rolling down my skin give me the sense of security and home. Caught up in the chains of music. Wrapping my heart with silk ribbons of euphoria. Contained with love.
Eyes drawing stillness. Spinning worlds align in the hopes of world peace. Sounds intensify this moment. Throat scratches with words of wisdom. My brain drowning in loops of pink fluffy pillows of cotton candy eating away at my sweet vocal cords. My feet walking into stars, blowing clouds of glitter that sprinkle into my heart. Mind. Fucking. Blown.
Withered skeletons of shadows immersed in dead empty hopes. Dreaming of falling out of heaven into a pool of sorrows. I'm crawling under my skin. The hairs on the back of my neck are chilled from the fresh Washington oxygen. I breath in every moment in and exhale regret. Poison slithers down my throat intoxicating me with erotic rhythms of joy.
My muffled cries are heard only by my empty white walls. Sparks of color ignite my intelligence, brightening my vision of the outside world. I melt into my seat, melting into the earth. I am apart of this physical world. The pain of memories swirl in a black hole that I call my heart.
The tips of my nerves scream bliss. My head is sewed to my folds of thought. The ink seeps into the metaphorical page of my memory. Glistening heart beats thump with life soaking in every sensation. My words are trapped in this pen, trying to claw themselves out. The curves of my existence are cloaked in stereotypes.
THE NIGHT.
The thick silence consumes me… barking at me with whispers of ecstacy. The soothing brush of coldness against my warm skin rushes me into a state of inner peace. I've been searching my whole life for a gateway to my emotions. This is it. This very moment. This very touch. This night prolonging my existence. I have opened my mind and found myself within the depths of my darkness. For years I have deceived myself with a fake unhealthy relationship. This blank canvas for words is the pathway to saving me. These cold lifeless fingers graze each key with no intentions of unwritting what has already been written. Life itself has new meaning. I hope that I can wake up each day and breathe in my new life. everything that was impossible just now became possible. I want to live forever young. The lyrics inflate in the air and with every heartbeat I sink deeper into bliss. This is how life is supposed to be lived. No more pain. No more regret. No more worries. Just pure peace.
courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

The Virtue of Patience

Patience is definitely a virtue. When you wait and wish for something to happen your hope withers away as each day becomes the past. Suspense floats into your throat...waiting for it to happen. After so many years of the moment being dragged on you realize it was just a waste of time. Your hopes, fears, emotions, and now, regret trickle out of your body in the form of sweat. Emptiness.
When there is ONE thing keeping you from making the commitment, it should be an easy decision if you want to be committed to the woman that you love- ME.

Love, Courtney Mae

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

Mrs. Brightside

I'm Mrs. Brightside trying to see the bright side if things, looking at my bright future that I envision, but making the mistake of thinking it will be great. In reality it's a horrible collision. Sailing through life like its a calm easy sea, realizing, again, reality is blinded me of what I wanted to be. Wanting to live like I want, waiting it to be concrete. Blinded by the light of what god wants me leave- bad influences and drugs I don't need. Everyday I want to live in ecstasy, not a worry in my bones, only thinking positive and not caring about loans. Music is my outlet and nothing can break my bubble of my lake of happy waves. The spirit of which had saves, trying to stay brave. Living life for what he says, not giving into circumstances where I feel like a slave. I live my life how I want- not thinking about what He taunts me with- reality.

Love always, Courtney

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

Souls Never Die


A body has exited my life. The soul will always remain in the atmosphere acting as a guardian- never being forgotten and always being someone to look to. "A great life" is the title that she's associated with. Nothing more, nothing less. A sweet, joyful spirit that has imprinted her genuine love into everyone's heart. The rays of sun that burn through the clouds are her thoughts burning through all the negativity in our lives- reminding us all that she will, and will always be, the light that makes life brighter.
R.I.P. GG Hawkins, a 92-year-old sweet heart

Love always, Courtney

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

EDM

The endless journey to find a job is exhausting. Countless hours and nights stressing about trying to find a stable income is crushing my confidence and, legit, driving me insane.

"Let's make this fleeting moment last forever

So, tell me what you're waiting for?

I'm gonna keep it frozen here forever,

There's no regretting anymore."

This song bumps in my head.... Like, really bumps. Like the 10" sub in my car. Music takes me to another world where I can be crazy and an idiot- no one gives a shit.

Love always, Courtney

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

courtneycrazeee, free, Brunette, young, wild

The Start Of My Complaints.

Jory and me.
Weird mood ranting-
  I'm stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. I'm sinking in my own quick sand of my abused thoughts. The world around me is spinning out of control and I'm standing here alone on this metephorical pedestal in my mind. I'm too good for anyone to treat me lke a piece of meat. I respect myself and no one can respect me because I know I have more self worth than what they've judged.
  I never want to express my feelings to "him" because he's heard them so many times. Everytime I speak my mind I'm like a record on repeat. I like to complain and talk about my problems a lot, but, at the same time, that's what helps m work through all the hard ships I'm dealing with. It's verbal therapy to me. No one gets that. Not even my soulmate.
  My inner self shines through the body that I'm trapped in. My experiences have molded me into the woman I am today- strong, intelligent, and caring. I've equipped myself for my future- making mistakes and learning from them. That's what life's about- being imperfect.
  If you throw rocks at my glass house, I will break. Anger and emotions control my life and, at this point, there's no way to conquer my struggles.

If anyone's reading this, I realize I am acting like most people- complaining about everything in life. I don't care. This shit is real.

Love always, Courtney